Fully cooked: How the pressure of the pandemic transformed me into a more realized being

I was invited by Katie Buemann, an alumnus of the Vision Program, to be a part of a podcast conversation about our experiences of the transformative effect of the pandemic. At first I was hesitant to share my story as it has been such a deeply personal journey, however, I recognize it is important to tell our stories for those who may not have the benefit of support in getting through this challenging time. We chattered for about two hours, yet it was barely enough time to get to the real depths of it all.

>> Listen to the episode here.

The last two years have been a dark time for most, myself included. The point I wanted to make in our conversation was that even though it was an extraordinarily difficult period, I maintained my belief throughout that what was happening was in the highest service to my own personal evolution. It was intense, excruciating even, but it was also very necessary. Necessary so that I could actually begin to live the life my heart desired – a more realized life.

In our conversation, we referred to the pandemic as the “pressure cooker”. At the outset, I was one those optimistic folks who thought surely it would all be over in six months. Little did I know. After each wave washed over us, when it would seem as though things were about to “return to normal”, I most certainly didn’t want to go back to what was. And I didn’t feel ready to be out in the world again. Internally, I was not yet “fully cooked”. I wanted more time for the dissolution that was occurring within. In the beginning, my introverted self revelled in the solitude of the pandemic, however, as it simmered on, I spiralled through a spectrum of feelings:

  • Constant generalized anxiety peppered with attacks of acute anxiety
  • Unexplained physical pain in my body
  • Sleepless nights gripped with fear
  • Sorrow at the loss of my old life
  • Melancholy about the state of humanity
  • Trapped in the sameness (like a “Groundhog Day” effect) to the point of utter boredom
  • Disconnection from myself and the world around me
  • Untethered to any form of reality
  • Unexpected and heavy grief
  • Bouts of depression
  • Rage arising from a sense of powerlessness
  • Apathy to the degree of questioning the point of living

After suffering through this for two years, I questioned if I would ever enjoy life again. Eventually, I resigned myself to the idea that I might not. In a twisted way, it felt better to embrace despair than to hope for joy that didn’t seem to be coming. But the real story is that underneath all of the pain, I actually felt relief. I appreciated the opportunity to be away from the distraction of my usual responsibilities to have the presence to drop deeply into my inner being. I knew something quite significant was happening within and that the timing of the pandemic was pure perfection.

I had been asking for change. I believe all of humanity had been asking for it. The trajectory we were on was leading us nowhere but to a dead end. Some feel as though the world is now heading for disaster, however, I see it as that we were heading for disaster and what we’ve been going through is actually humanity’s course correction. This has been demonstrated through the numerous movements that have arisen throughout the pandemic. On an individual level and a collective level, we have been party to a multitude of atrocities that are now being exposed because it is time for them to emerge from the shadows and come to light. They are only the beginning of the changes to come on our planet.

We are in the middle of an epic shift in consciousness, leaving behind the old earth and creating a new earth. To move through this change requires us to break down and release everything that was, both out in the world and within our own being.

Within myself, all the vestiges of my old stories and old identities had to go. They were blocking a new way of being I could sense wanting to come through me. One of the many challenges of the pandemic (or I could say gifts, depending on my perspective) was that with very little external distraction, I had to face a continuous uprising from my own inner oppression. There was no reprieve. As soon as one obstacle was revealed and then resolved, another more daunting one showed up. It was relentless. The particularities of our wounded patterns are unique to every individual, some of mine looked like:

  • Attempting to control my external environment so that I felt safe in the world
  • Acting like a victim who was not responsible for the state of my life
  • Martyring myself, bemoaning all that others wanted from me when it was me giving away my energy to others
  • Waiting to make decisions for myself based on others actions
  • Dishonouring my own boundaries
  • Letting self-doubt override my wisdom
  • Pouting about my lack of abundance
  • Disallowing of my heart’s true desires
  • Denying myself the right to even exist

The more I allowed myself to acknowledge that I had been perpetuating these limiting stories and that they no longer served me, the more energy came in and burned them to ashes. Our new earth is being flooded with new energy. Its flow is faster and more potent than ever before. It has no tolerance for restriction. Any internal blocks we attempt to hold onto will simply be met with more energy. If we resist letting go, life only becomes more painful. We must allow new energy to do its work in helping us release our blocks.

It was also challenging for my nervous system to adapt to the intensity of flowing so much new energy. The tendency was to want to shut down, but I knew this also wasn’t serving me so I had to find coping mechanisms to help me stay open. This led me to hiking every day. The activity helped me to ground and also to have some way to move the large amounts of energy streaming through my body. I found refuge in the sensuality of nature. As I intentionally slowed to experience life through my senses, my nervous system was able to recalibrate to run more expansive energy. I did whatever I could to feel connected with my experience of being embodied.

Meanwhile, in the outer world, I watched as our old systems crumbled, and continue to do so. Nothing is immune to this sundering. Governments will topple. Hierarchies will fracture. Communities will disorganize. Education systems will fail. Financial systems will crash. Technology will blip. All of these systems were built in an old energy paradigm, so now it is time for them to go. I imagine this dismantling will continue for years to come, perhaps decades. However, I am no longer afraid. I have become a keen observer of what is and do my best not to get embroiled in the drama of it.

I became aware that the energy I used to gain from engaging in conflict was paltry in comparison to the effect of connecting with my own energy.

This was another great gift of the pandemic. I was able to release my dependence on external sources of energy and learn how to source it from within myself. What I anticipate will happen is that as each of us moves into our own sovereignty, we will then be able to come together more effectively to give rise to all the new systems for our new world.

I chose to be here at this magnificent time on earth. We all did. However, before the pandemic, I always sensed I was never truly committed to the story I was living. As a result of the extended cooking time of isolation, I finally became the person I came into this lifetime to be. A more accurate statement is that I finally remembered the person I’ve always been – an embodiment of consciousness. Since my realization, I made a commitment, at both the human level and the soul level, to stay embodied on earth. I want to live. Really live. Beyond duality. Beyond lack and limitation. Beyond suffering. I want to experience the new earth we are creating. I wasn’t able to make this commitment until I felt fully cooked. Consider me tenderized. I am well done and ready to emerge back into the world.

It doesn’t mean that life will necessarily get that much easier, but now I know I don’t have to suffer through it. I can feel the intensity without being in resistance. I can choose to allow what is happening and to let my energy serve me. This is my best advice to anyone who may be suffering – simply allow. Let it all come up to be cleared. Release who you thought you were. Disenthrall yourself from what you believed about our existence. Unfetter yourself from the stories of limitation you accepted as truth. When an old story makes itself known, be with it and then let it go. Let new energy pour in and clear all that is not truthful to who you are. No more holding back. This new energy wants to create a new earth through us, and if we want to live with any sense of joy, we must let it. I am genuinely excited for what is to unfold in my future and for our future.

I share my story with the intention that if you are experiencing something similar, you may find some solace in understanding you are not alone. Nothing is going wrong. It’s actually going very right. It takes time for this deep inner transformation to happen. When you’re fully cooked, you will know. You will feel ready to be back in the world. Until then, I want you to know that there is life on the other side of this misery – a truly joyous life worth living for. Meet you here.

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